The "I am all ears" one: How to be an active listener

Active listening is a great way to care for and support another person. Focusing completely on the other person helps them to feel heard, valued, and understood.

Active Listening is:

1. Giving the person space to talk
2. Doing your best to understand
3. Showing kindness and empathy
4. Being present and attentive

Active Listening is not:

1. Trying to solve the person's problems
2. Giving solutions or advice
3. Changing the subject
4. Sharing your own opinions

Now that we have a gist of what it is about why not get adept with the skills that it takes to be an active listener?

Skill 1: Reflection

Reflecting back what the person is saying shows that you are paying attention to what they say.

How do I reflect?

    

Remember! Reflecting is not repeating!

It’s easy! Reflection is simply repeating back what the person shared in your own words. You know you’ve done a good job reflecting when the person provides you with additional information.

Example:
 Nancy: “I have so much on my plate. I have a huge project due tomorrow,
and my in-laws are coming over this weekend.”


Scarlett: “You have a big project to work on, and your in-laws are coming.”


Nancy: “Yeah, the project wouldn’t be such a big deal, if my in-laws weren’t coming too.
Now I have to clean the house and entertain them while worrying about my project.”

Skill 2: Labeling Emotions

Identifying the emotion behind what the person is saying shows that you are interested in how they are feeling. It also helps them to examine their emotions more closely.

Well, how do I label emotions?

Often the face and otherwise speaker's tone is the key

Look for the emotion behind what the person is saying. Do they sound angry, worried, overwhelmed, sad, excited? Imagine how they are feeling and suggest a word to label the emotion. It’s okay to get it wrong. Usually, the person will see that you care about their feelings and simply correct you.

Example:

Nancy: “My mom keeps calling me to help her. Like, every day. I have my own life to live!”

Scarlett: “It sounds like you are feeling frustrated with your mom.”

Nancy: “I don’t know if I’d say I’m frustrated. I’m angrier with her for being so demanding.”

Watch a short video to see these skills in action:

Skill 3: Asking Questions

Questions help you understand what is being said, show that you’re interested in the person and keep the conversation moving forward.

What questions should I ask?

Ask open-ended questions. These are questions the person cannot answer yes or no to.

Here are some questions you might ask:

• How would you like her to respond?
• What is the most important thing you want him to understand?
• What needs to change?
• What do you like about this situation?
• What is the worst-case scenario?

If you don’t understand what the person is saying, ask for clarification.

Questions are great for showing you’re interested and keeping the conversation moving, but don’t ask too many! Give the person space to lead the conversation wherever possible.

Watch a short video to see these skills in action:

Skill 4: Empathy

Each person is doing the best they can with the life experience, knowledge, and resources they have. We can’t solve everyone’s problems, but showing empathy helps them to feel less alone.

Empathy = Emotions + Sympathy!

What do I need to do?

Draw on your own experiences to imagine how the other person is feeling and put yourself in their shoes.

What does empathy sound like?

• I would feel that way, too, in your position.
• I would be asking the same questions you are.
• That would upset me, too.
• No wonder you’re frustrated.

Be non-judgmental and supportive

If someone has made choices that you don’t agree with, think about it as an opportunity to understand another perspective. Never judge or criticize the person or their behavior.

Example:
 Nancy: “I just don’t get why she acts that way. One minute she wants to be best friends and the next it’s like I don’t even exist and she won’t speak to me or hang out. I just don’t get it..”

Scarlett: “I wouldn’t know what to make of it, either. It sounds like really confusing behavior.”

Watch this short video to know more about empathy:

Skill 5: Lived Experience

If the person seems stuck and you’ve been through something similar, sharing a small part of your own story can help the person to feel less embarrassed and alone.

Your focus should stay on the other person and you should never try to suggest that your own situation is worse. Just touch lightly upon your own experience to offer hope and encouragement.

When is sharing your story helpful?

• If someone is feeling hopeless, the fact that you have been there and gotten through something similar can be very powerful
• To show that you have had these feelings too, it is a part of life they should not be ashamed of, can help people feel less isolated and embarrassed
• If someone is feeling confused and stuck, sharing a bit of your story can sometimes bring clarity enough to help the member say “yes, that is what I feel” or “no, that is not like me, it’s different.”

When is sharing your story not helpful?

• If sharing your story seems like it will diminish the member in any way. For example “you think you have it bad, my story is so much worse…” You are seeking to help, not hurt and you never want to “one-up” someone.
• If you share an illness story, not a wellness or recovery story. The focus needs to be on offering hope to the person you are listening to, not drag anyone down.
• If you find yourself with feelings that you are trying to manage while you share. This is a sign that you may be triggered by the person you are listening to and the focus is then off them and on you. If this is happening, you should exit the conversation and ask the member to find a new listener.